An alcoholic's guide to the Summer Olympics

Amanda Beard Posing with Her Playboy Cover (She finished the semis today in 18th place btw, Olympic dream overs)

With a reported 20,000 journalists in town to keep tabs on the proceedings (that works out to about three journalists for every one competitor), you can be sure that this year's coverage will be even more heavy-handed than usual.

.. Drinking Game on Couch Tiiiiiime! Crrrrrack open an Olympic-sponsored Budweiser or Tsingtao, and TAKE A SIP WHENEVER:

- The Olympics are referred to as Beijing's "coming-out party."

- A TV announcer refers to China's "rising middle class." (Bonus sip if said rising middle class is referred to as "the awakening of the Chinese dragon.")

- A TV announcer makes note of the fact that the Chinese people eat all sorts of crazy things, including dog leg, donkey meat, scorpion kebab, and yak penis, ostensibly as way to show that Chinese culture is different than ours, but really just to use the phrase "yak penis."

- Michael Phelps' goofy mug is used in an NBC teaser. (Actually, bad idea. You will die.)

- An announcer mentions the intense Beijing air pollution. (Bonus sip if he mentions it while wearing a mask. Double bonus sip if he's wearing a mask despite the fact that it's sunny and clear out just to prove a point on TV.)

- An announcer brings up the Chinese government's ability to rid the atmosphere of said pollution by artificially inducing rain from the Man-Made Hail-Prevention and Rain-Increasing Work Station.

- An announcer creepily mentions that 41-year-old mother Dana Torres should pose for Playboy.

- Bob Costas, sotto voce, informs us that an athlete has "prepared his whole life for just this one moment."

An announcer utters any of the following phrases:
1) "Everyone in the stadium was a winner today." (Or its inverse: "There are no losers here.")
2) "This is what the Olympics are all about."
3) "[Random obscure athlete who competes in an event you only pay attention to once every four years and who will never be heard from again] will remember this day for the rest of his life."
4) [Athletes from rival countries—India and Pakistan, for example, or Iraq and the United States—shake hands after a match.] "This is truly what the Olympic Games are all about."

- An announcer acknowledges that saying something like "the whole world is watching" is a cliché, but proceeds to say it anyway.

- An announcer somberly intones that a participant is competing despite:
1) The recent diagnosis of a family member/loved one with a life-threatening disease.
2) The recent death of a family member/loved one by way of a life-threatening disease.
3) Having been diagnosed with a physically debilitating or crippling disease as a child. (Bonus drink if the announcer compares the participant's plight to that of the South African "Blade Runner")
4) Having been maimed in a tractor accident or other freak occurrence as a child.
5) Having grown up with no access to food, clean water, training equipment, or sneakers.
6) Having grown up in the midst of genocide/geopolitical strife/major war.

FINISH YOUR DRINK WHENEVER:

- Members of the "Dream Team" are busted in their hotel room with a bunch of prostitutes from the Sichuan province the night before their gold medal game with Greece. (Have another if they win anyway.)

- A decathlete passes out during the shot put after choking on a few too many toxic particles of sulfur dioxide.

- Your body weight is at least twice that of a Japanese rhythmic gymnast.

DRINK EVERYTHING IN SIGHT IF:

- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad applauds the American soccer squad's "fine effort on the pitch and exemplary patriotism" after they defeat Iran in the first round.

- Chinese president Hu Jintao invites the Dalai Lama to be the official lighter of the Olympic torch, after which he grants Tibet total political and religious autonomy.

- The Olympic Games pass without a single steroid or doping scandal.

Full article (RADAR)