White People in the News
September 10, 2008 by clander
5 Minutes to Central Park
Spacious green condos with premium amenities. From mid-$700,000s.
Note the Apple Laptop (Photo: New York Times)
“In an Evolving Harlem, Newcomers Try to Fit In”
by: Timothy Williams. The New York Times, Sept. 6, 2008.
Recently the New York Times has been spending so much time covering stuff white people don’t like (Sarah Palin) that it has failed to live up to its duty of chronicling the experiences of white people in and around New York City.
In this latest installment, the paper takes a look at some enterprising white people who have decided to move into Harlem for its low rent, authenticity, and high potential for gentrification.
Jobs to enable you to live in Harlem
According to the article, the following jobs will allow you to live in Harlem. Amazingly all are Stuff White People Like:
School Teacher (won lottery)
White Plans for Harlem
The article goes into some of the plans and hopes that white people have for the neighborhood, and they include the opening of Thai Restaurant, A wine shops, hair salon, and a place that serves gourmet burgers and microbrews (implied).
White people are also hoping to close down things that they do not like, specifically churches. With over 100 houses of worship in the area, white people are concerned. Though the article does not mention why white people are upset at so many churches, it can be implied that they would feel more comfortable if they were to be replaced with condominiums, yoga studios, and white people churches (also known as Whole Foods).
Yet in spite of all these desired changes, white people would still prefer it if other white people did not move into the neighborhood.
One of the new residents says: “Harlem does have a character. I don’t want Harlem to become Union Square any more than anyone else does.”
Harlem had a good run.
Asian Fusion Food
New York City
Non Profit Organizations
Religions their parents don’t belong to
Being the Only White Person Around
Being On Time
Stuff Not Mentioned:
Having Black Friends
Girls with Bangs
If you see a white woman and you are trying to figure out whether she is liked or just merely tolerated by white people, the best thing you can do is get a quick look at her haircut. It is a known fact that white people love women who wear their hair with bangs that hang straight down.
A number of very popular white women have worn this hairstyle including Joni Mitchell, Jane Birkin, Jenny Lewis and every girl ever photographed by Vice Magazine or the Cobrasnake. (Note: it is a good idea to familiarize yourself with these two things as they are both beloved by cool white people. Follow up note: these same things are hated by cooler white people).
Many people associate this type of haircut with children and people looking for the most efficient way to get hair out of their eyes. But for white people, this simple haircut makes a bold declaration by saying that the wearer is artistic, deep, and has probably dated a guy in a band you like. Of course, as with many things loved by white people, simple often means expensive and these haircuts usually cost upwards of $100.
It is essential for you to know this haircut is more than a mere fashion statement– it is an important cultural marking. Throughout the world, many cultures feature ceremonies to announce that a girl has become a woman. For white people, the haircut-with-bangs is an important symbol that a female has completed her transformation from a nerdy girl to a cool woman. In fact, if you went to high school with a nerdy white girl who moved to a big city, there is a good chance she will show up to your high school reunion with this haircut.
When you are introduced to a group of white people, it’s a good idea to befriend the girl with the bangs. She’s probably the most popular.
White people love to laugh, so it’s no surprise that some of the funniest people in the world are white! But do not believe that white people find all types of humor funny. BET Comicview for example is not considered funny, and white people generally get little to no enjoyment out of the program.
The easiest way to find out if a comedian is approved by white people is to see if they get mentioned on music blogs or have ever given an interview where they talk about how much they love The Magnetic Fields, Of Montreal, or The Shins. But this does not guarantee white acceptance.
If the topic of comedy comes up, the best thing to do is talk about how much you love Sarah Silverman. White people can’t get enough of her!
Her whole shtick is about saying really offensive things! But it’s ok because she’s pretty and has a small voice so it all sounds so cute! Get it? It’s not offensive, because when she says racist or sexist things she knows they are offensive. So it’s ok.
Much as white women will say that John Stewart is their perfect man, it is fully acceptable and encouraged for white men to say that Sarah Silverman is their perfect woman.
Sarah Silverman is also considered an “alternative comic” which essentially means she is universally loved by white people, but not enough so that she can be a movie star.
Other acceptable ‘alternative’ comedians: David Cross, and the Comedians of Comedy (Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, and Zach Galifinakis).
Also acceptable: Any comedian who shares your ethnicity.
WARNING: under no circumstances should you EVER list Dane Cook as your favorite comedian. The wrong kind of white people like him. And mentioning him will cause white people to lose all respect for you.